these past few days have truly been of the universe.. so much love and smiles and hope in the air. and yet, there are still moments when i wish he was here, and that’s okay!! i’ve gotten better at admitting to myself that i still love the guy but also at telling myself that i deserve to love myself and once i am ready, i can find someone who will love me unconditionally… when that man walks into my life, i think that i will know.

today’s been good… roommates are out, i woke up, had some probiotic cereal, went to the gym for and hour, came home and ate some cocktail cucumbers and hummus, and strawberries. 

and yesterday… incredible. shakedown street was such an experience and i love the amount of art, love and talent that the world is so full of!!! met a guy named owlyn from portland. a girl, madison from portland, and another woman, shannon. did some stuff i probably shouldn’t but i’m so much stronger in my mind than i think i am.

i can’t wait for tonight. to spread more love and to be just amongst such a peaceful, loving, and cultural crowd… just wow. 

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to be honestly, but vulnerable in my own feelings. For so long… probably the last five years, I don’t think I can recall a time when I wasn’t dating a guy, talking to a guy with intention for more, hooking up with a guy, and just giving all of me away to someone else to try to fill my own void. 

It’s been over two months. I slept with someone else five days after our relationship of over a year ended. I started talking to other people less than twenty-four hours after we ended. I had another guy to replace him as my date the same night he left.

To be completely honest to myself, there’s not a single day that goes by where I don’t miss his presence, where I don’t think about the memories we’ve had. But then, I remind myself that that’s all it is… is memories. Something to cherish and acknowledge, but something of the past. 

Never before had I ever had a relationship, or a guy who I have been so wholly intertwined, so completely codependent on. We let each other have so much control over the other person… our entire relationship revolved around unresolved childhood traumas… we tried to fix those things neither of us had control over as children, but in an adult setting. We were comfortable, but we weren’t healthy. 

There’s not a single day that goes by where I don’t think about his bare chest on mine, his warm fingers interlaced with my cold ones. There’s not a night that goes by where I don’t dream about him and I. Yet still, it gets easier. Every day that passes makes that void easier as I fill my heart with more of myself and less of the constant need for love and reassurance from someone else. 

There was never a moment in the past five years, until about three weeks ago when I was okay with being alone, because I had finally differentiated between being alone, and being lonely. 

I think that I still do love him… as much as I loathe him for being just a fucking manipulative and controlling person, I still need to accept that I did genuinely love him with all of me. I also genuinely believe that he is a narcissist, incapable of loving anyone, even himself… I’d say that above all, he loathes himself more than he is capable of hating anyone else, be that myself or his mother.

I am so grateful that for once in my life, I have learned my own lesson, and that lesson is that I don’t need to date. I don’t need to hook-up. I don’t need to sleep with anyone. I’m okay with everything platonic as I work on being complete in myself, and when the right person comes along, I will know.